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For Jeremiah

(It has been one year since my breakthrough in France. For months after the experience, I referred to it as two things, 1) a breakdown and 2) an incident. Neither of these is how I view it now. It is a breakthrough. At the time, this was impossible to see, naturally. It was the most horrifying experience of my life. Even months afterward, I was disturbed and rattled by the events. I am aware now of what I witnessed, of what was presented to me. That which I cannot put into words, that which only appears in dreams and visions, speaks to me of such knowledge. Thus, the reason I regard it as an experience. I needn’t go into a lengthy explanation of why, as I am sure that it is evident. For a long time, I worried that another “incident” would occur. After my return from France, I had a chronic worry, an almost tingling sensation that another breakdown was just moments away. As the months passed and my perception shifted, I began to realize how powerful all that came to pass was. The doors had been opened; and it is now an experience that I hold sacred.)

i fold my energy around myself
embracing my being
i go within

i left something in france
in those mountains
deep in those mountains

who will i be
if i am no longer jeremiah

shedding layers
from autumn
to winter
to spring

i held on
there is such safety even in pain
i wanted to return to him
to bring him back

what would i be
who would i be

a twilight voice said

you will be you without being me
you will hold you and only you
of you you will be
for you you will be

it was in the new year that i awoke
sometime in the early hours
in the dim light i opened my eyes
and saw myself
i witnessed myself

i am no longer jeremiah

though i insisted

come with me
i can’t be me without being you
who will i be without being you

again the twilight voice spoke

you will be you without being me
you will hold you and only you
of you you will be
for you you will be

in the dim light of the new year i finally awoke
in the early hours i opened my eyes
and i saw myself
i witnessed myself

i am no longer jeremiah

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Published by Jeremiah Ray

Jeremiah Ray is an interdisciplinary artist and writer living and working in the coastal Maine region. He has an MFA from the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. His visual artwork is much like his life insofar as it is a constant journey of exploration and discovery. In his formative years, Jeremiah traveled extensively, exploring languages and cultures to fulfill a need for both adventure and as instruments of further understanding himself. Jeremiah completed his MFA in studio art with one intention - to teach. He desired to assist others in finding and honing their unique, personal language. He has always believed that art transcends verbal communication. Discovering one's voice in an individual medium and utilizing it to articulate nonverbally is the greatest obstacle and the most potent ability. In 2016 Jeremiah was diagnosed with advanced testicular cancer. This drastically shifted his perspective on art, visual and written, and solidified his firm belief that they are indeed a universal language. Straddled with the emotional burden of a cancer diagnosis, Jeremiah became increasingly aware that he often lacked the adequate vocabulary to understand and share his experiences fully. As such, during the most trying time in his life, he set the task of answering two core questions. First, what is vulnerability? And secondly, how do I communicate this with others? Still in recovery, Jeremiah has retained these as primary questions when beginning a project, understanding that vulnerability is intrinsic to being human and transcends language and culture.

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